Opinion: How can we talk about domestic violence without romanticising it?

Sisters In Islam executive director Rozana Isa has been in women’s rights activism since 1999, serving as project coordinator at the Women’s Aid Organisation and the International Women’s Rights Action Watch Asia Pacific. 

Rozana currently heads Sisters in Islam (SIS), an NGO that works to advance the rights of Muslim women within the framework of Islam, human rights, constitutional guarantees and lived realities. 

“Domestic violence affects lives and leaves lasting trauma. It is not a momentary struggle, and survivors often carry an unimaginable burden of trauma, anxiety and depression for a long time afterwards, if not for a lifetime,” Rozana says. “The struggle and pain do not stop there as the stigma and fear of not being believed adds to their suffering.”

See also: What Albertine Leo’s story teaches us about protecting girls’ safety in Malaysia

“Domestic violence does not just affect the survivors but other family members as well, especially children, leading to intergenerational trauma,” Rosana adds. “It is critical to approach conversations on domestic violence with deep empathy and respect. Start by: 1) Understanding that domestic violence affects anyone and anywhere and that the experience of each survivor is painful and unique to them; 2) Avoid trivialising domestic violence; and 3) Help survivors by providing information about resources such as legal aid, counselling and shelters.”

Shifting the conversation

Rozana emphasises the importance of changing the notion that domestic violence is a private matter when in reality, it is a public issue that demands immediate and serious attention from law authorities and society. 

“One of the critical issues we are not addressing is the persistent misconception that domestic violence is merely a private and domestic matter, which consequently leads to underreporting and remains a significant obstacle in addressing domestic violence. We must challenge these misconceptions and ensure that every domestic violence case is treated with the urgency and seriousness it deserves.” 

Tehmina Kaoosji is an independent broadcast journalist, communications consultant and gender equity activist. Women’s rights is a cause that is close to Tehmina’s heart, and she has often spoken out against gender-based violence, online abuse, rape culture, sexual harassment, and stalking, among other social ills.

“Male violence against women, especially domestic violence, is fairly visible on TV and in films,” Tehmina shares. “Entertainment media has a responsibility to stop romanticising domestic violence and abuse in TV drama and movie storylines. When DV is a central plot line for female characters, it often means women and girls are depicted as mere sex objects, suffering sexualised and domestic violence on screen. This is another everyday example of how entertainment media reinforces patriarchal norms about abusive relationships in audiences and also ingrains children from watching such content from a young age.

“Writing interesting female characters for screen must progress to portraying women as complex human beings who are more than just survivors of sexual violence and trauma.”

Shifting the conversation

“Victim blaming is one extremely harmful narrative which happens far too often when domestic violence is discussed in public,” Tehmina says. “Callous statements like ‘Oh, she must have done something to make him hit her’ or problematic news headlines like ‘Man stabs girlfriend 18 times in a fit of jealousy’ are everyday examples of victim blaming language and mentality. It’s important to push back against harmful stereotypes and communicate that we care about DV survivors’ safety, that they are deserving of love and respect and that the abuse is not their fault.”  

From public figures to everyday netizens with a voice on social media, we all have a platform to talk about the issues we care about most.

But when it comes to celebrities with massive followings, what are some better, less problematic ways to talk about domestic violence without glamourising it or trivialising the experiences of survivors?

“Celebrities and public figures who speak out so visibly on social issues can genuinely help raise awareness around this critical issue. It can be as effortless as sharing the many women’s NGOs social media posts and hotline numbers on their IG stories. Basic 101 like knowing which hotline to call can make all the difference during an emergency arising from domestic violence or intimate partner violence,” says Tehmina. 

Rather than accepting film roles that glamorise or romanticise domestic violence, intimate partner violence and sexual violence against women on screen, actors should understand the power of social change that lies in their hands, says Tehmina. Using that powerful platform to amplify or shout out to the voices and stories of those most affected by the issues and themes discussed is a step in the right direction. (Actress Haley Lu Richardson did a fine example of this when acknowledging the input and time spent with real-life cystic fibrosis patient Claire Wineland while preparing to play the role of a teen with cystic fibrosis in Beldoni’s 2019 drama Five Feet Apart.)  

Female public figures coming out to share their own experiences with domestic violence or intimate partner violence will further lend solidarity with other survivors and help change narratives on the subject.

“Raising awareness and educating the public through sharing accurate information and personal stories can educate their audiences and challenge misconceptions. Also, staying informed and approaching social issues with genuine concern is so important,” she says.

In addition to broaching such topics with empathy and understanding, it’s important to understand the gravity of the topics we discuss. Again, putting oneself in the shoes of those most affected by violence can change how we frame the issue, whether on social media, in films and TV or in books. 

Rozana adds: “When we speak about domestic violence, we are not just discussing an issue, but we are addressing and acknowledging the pain, trauma and fear that many survivors endure as a daily reality.” 

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